A few years ago, we landed upon a goldmine. It was a shared calendar app for our iPhones. The whole month is viewable at a quick glance, it can be color coded per each of our email addresses (we happen to have 6 different emails right now with work and personal), and it quickly updates so each can view the appointments the other has made.
Having this shared calendar has improved the scheduling in our marriage because it is one less thing we have/need/should talk about it. But this does not automatically increase the communication in our home. To have quality communication, one must understand the right perspective.
What is the difference between these?
- Hearing and being heard.
- Informing and being informed
- Seeing and truly being seen
It is all based on perspective and feeling.
Don’t let the word ‘feeling’ scare you. Feelings are very important in a marriage. Perhaps, maybe, more for the wife than the husband. But this will vary for each relationship.
The husband and the wife needs to know AND feel that they are loved, heard, informed, seen, respected, welcomed, appreciated, cared for…and the list could go on to infinity.
This difference is all based on actions and communication within the home and our perception of it.
If a wife thinks she is not heard by her husband, then excessive talking and over-communication will begin to occur. This can show up as nagging, constant bickering, and even a mothering approach. If the husband is treated like a child, resentment can begin to form.
If one thinks that they are not appreciated by their spouse, then a coldness and lack of willingness to help start to show up where once it did not.
People often silence themselves, or “agree to disagree” without fully exploring the actual nature of the disagreement, for the sake of protecting a relationship and maintaining connection. But when we avoid certain conversations, and never fully learn how the other person feels about all of the issues, we sometimes end up making assumptions that not only perpetuate but deepen misunderstandings, and that can generate resentment. Brene Brown
If a husband does not feel respected by his wife, it becomes very easy for him to not to want to have an active role in the relationship…because “why should I even bother?” becomes the thought.
Checking in with each and asking how they are really doing can help. But sometimes, one has to have the hard conversation of how the other person is feeling regarding the issues at hand. Asking for honesty, and allowing the person to really express what is going on, is the only way to stop these painful assumptions. A strong marriage requires these hard conversations. It cannot survive on “agreeing to disagree” moments. It will crumble if one spouse is constantly just trying to make it work so no one gets their feelings hurt.
These conversations are not done five minutes before rushing out the door to work, they require much prayer and planning.
To have that right perspective of love in your marriage, each person must have trust and understanding with the other.To have that right perspective of love in your marriage, each person must have trust and understanding with the other. Click To Tweet
This requires communication on many levels. Communication over schedules and daily events is just the beginning. These are like bricks for a house. One by one they keep building up.
“When people honor each other, there is a trust established that leads to synergy, interdependence, and deep respect. Both parties make decisions and choices based on what is right, what is best, what is valued most highly.” Blaine Lee
Other bricks that are important are shared values such as reliability, truthfulness, confidentiality, integrity, and a mutual spirit of generosity.
- Reliability – Consistently doing what you say you will do
- Truthfulness – Being honest with your words and actions, saying the truth in love.
- Confidentiality – Not sharing the faults and failures of the other
- Integrity – Having strong values and morals, and it is what people know you to be in your actions and mannerism
- Generosity – Always assuming the best in the other person, giving attention and love even when it may not be deserved.
If you consistently build with these bricks, you will have the right perspective on your marriage. So, open your heart and mouth with kindness, vulnerability, and truthfulness. Give your spouse the respect that they deserve, and seek accountability and forgiveness when needed. Never treat your spouse with a mothering or nagging approach. And most of all, love with abundance and generosity. Love given is never subtracted. It only multiplies when it is extended.
By doing this, you will have a home and a marriage full of the love that you desire.