Why Flirting is So Important in Marriage


Where are my feet pointed?



Do you remember the days that flirting was fun? When getting all dressed-up, wearing special outfits, cracking jokes & laughing, and teasing each other was something you looked forward to?

Now most of us may remember our awkward teenage years and some painful attempts at flirting, and wish we could go back and re-write the past.  But if we think hard enough, there are a couple of memories when flirting was fun.

According to Psychology Today, flirting is a “time-honored way of signaling interest and attraction, to say nothing of mutual awareness. It is a kind of silent language spoken by men and women around the world.”  The dictionary explains it as “behav[ing] as though attracted to or trying to attract someone, but for amusement rather than with serious intentions.”

Without trying to, flirting is often only thought of something that a single person does.  For the married people, it becomes more of a distant memory versus a recent act. However, if you want your marriage to keep going, think of it this way.  Flirting is as important as paying your mortgage.

Yes. It’s that important.

Why? You may ask.  Because flirting is communication on a silent level, and if words are said, the real meaning behind them is not what is truly being said.  According to Science of People, flirting communicates five things.  It says:

  • I’m open
  • I’m harmless
  • I’m interested
  • I’m approachable
  • I’m fertile

In a marriage, all five points are critical. So let’s look at them in a more in-depth manner.

# 1: I’m Open

The idea of open here can mean multiple things.  It can show that you are open to the idea of the relationship, that you are free (no entanglements), your calendar is open at that time, or that you are open to the conversation…or it can mean all four!

By keeping open slots on my calendar, I get to spend time with my husband.  Now it can get really difficult with his work schedule, kids’ activities, homeschooling, running 2 businesses, my writing schedules and church…but the more we work on keeping our activities planned the more we can squeeze in some romantic times together.  Does it always work smoothly?  Absolutely not. The school year is the worst because those schedules cannot be switched around, and my focus gets used more.

In flirting, and in marriage, being open can require hours or just a few seconds. A quick wink or a special smile can speak volumes of love and openness. Oh sure, I’d love to escape for a week-long vacation together, but if all I have right now is 5 seconds, I hope to make the best of it.

# 2: I’m Harmless

The book of Proverbs shares countless lessons for life, and a few of them are about angry women.

  • “It is better to live in a corner of a roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman.” Proverbs 21:9
  • A constant dripping on a day of steady rain and a contentious woman are alike. Proverbs 27:15

As a woman myself, I read these verses and just cringe inwardly.  Umm…I may or may not have acted like that contentious woman once or twice in my marriage.  I might have a few vague recalls of those times, but I do know this. I hope they stay few and far between.  It’s not pretty. While the word “contentious” is not something is said in 2018, it is best defined by someone is arguing, angry, upset, and very provoked.

In flirting, there is no room for angry arguments. Fighting, disagreements, yelling, loud & nasty conversations – it doesn’t matter how you define contentious if you want to show a flirtatious spirit, you really don’t want to do this.

# 3: I’m Interested

Have you ever gotten bored in life? Ate too many of the same burgers at McDonald’s. Read the same book too many times? Played the same game? Vacationed at the same place?  Doing the same thing over and over again in marriage does cause boredom.  Variety is the spice of life…and the spice of marriage as well.

When you flirt with your spouse, you are showing to them that you aren’t tired of them. You want to be with them and enjoy their presence.  You are “interested” in what they are doing at that moment. You want to spend time with them.

One of the ways that I have learned to do this is through football.  September through December is a big deal in my house. My husband is a big Tennessee Volunteers college football fan. We love Rocky Top and proudly wear the bright UT orange.  We enjoy attending games in person, or staying at home and yelling at the TV when the quarterback drops the ball.  No, they’re not the best team in the SEC conference, but we try to be loyal.

At the same time, I show my interest in my husband by sharing one of his favorite activities.  While you may hate football, find something that you and your spouse can do together.

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# 4: I’m approachable

If the idea of the contentious woman was scary, then the approachable person is the exact opposite.  To be approachable means that you are friendly, welcoming, agreeable and pleasant.  It doesn’t matter if you are a man or woman, these attributes are always nice in a marriage.

Being approachable is very helpful when considering the communication in your marriage. Someone who is approachable is easy to talk to, to share your heart with, to be the real you.

Read also: 5 Tips for Open Communication

In addition, scientists have discovered the position of a woman’s foot shows their interest in the man.  Just for fun, watch a young couple in love and see which direction her feet are pointed.  You will probably notice that they are pointed in the direction of the person they like. Then, just for grins and giggles, notice which position your feet are in when you’re kissing your spouse.  Uh-huh, yep.  Pointed towards him.

On the flip side, when you’re angry you may notice that your stance changes.  Feet begin to point outward, tucked under, or away from them.  You will naturally gravitate towards what your feet are pointed to.

# 5: I’m fertile

Ok, Ok. Don’t stop reading, run, panic, and go buy a pregnancy test at Walmart. Fertility here does mean exactly that, but just because you are done having children, does not mean that your fertility years are over.  The idea here is that your body would like to do the same thing as one that is fertile.

Pleasure, in flirting, is like a gentle snowfall on a wintry evening. The ones where the small flurries start and gently become those large snowflakes that land so delicately on your tongue. Click To Tweet

In case you’re confused. Let me put it very simply.  Flirting with your spouse shows that you want to have sexual intimacy AND you see them worthy of having that intimacy with them.

In its very core, flirting is a game of finding the right pace and moving at just the right speed.  If you’re going too slow, then the flame just fizzles out. Boredom creeps in.  If you go to fast, then your spouse may feel overwhelmed and unable to feel the excitement of pleasure.

Pleasure, in flirting, is like a gentle snowfall on a wintry evening. The ones where the small flurries start and gently become those large snowflakes that land so delicately on your tongue.

Yes, it is that beautiful of a picture. It is not a race to the finish or a blizzard of passion where everything is rushed.  The right amount of flirting leading to a beautiful, intimate moment between you and your spouse should be done with just enough effort but leaving the “want” still intact.

Just notice that one thing. Is every motion, every thrust, every touch wanted before it occurs? Ken Blackman

When you are able to deliver the right amount of flirting and want, it keeps the fires burning for being open at a later time. And if you notice, the “being open” means that we have circled back to point #1.

Yes, the circle does continue to repeat itself because the love, respect, and intimacy that you have built keeps the fires of passion going.  You are not contentious, but approachable & harmless.  You want to keep those levels of deep communication open, and (YES!) the want for more fertile intimacy continues.


Stop today, and think about where you are pointing your feet.  Are they being hidden away or pushed out in anger?  Or are they directed towards the one that you love?

And most important of all, keep flirting with the one that you love.  The more you flirt, the more you show them that you love them.  And the more that you are able to express that love, the more you can say that they are worthy of your time, your affection, and most importantly your deepest intimacy.

Do you have questions?  Need someone to talk to?  Contact me here; send me an email with questions. Let me know if I can help #becauseIcare




7 thoughts on “Why Flirting is So Important in Marriage”

  1. Wow! What a great post. Flirting is so important in marriage. Flirting is one of the things that may have gotten you married in the first place or at least attracted them. It’s good for both the person who is flirting and the person who is receiving the flirting. Very healthy in marriage to bring this joy and lightness to it.

    1. John, Thank you so much for reading and commenting! Yes, I too believe that flirting is so healthy for both people in the marriage. It definitely brings a happy lightness and perk to the marriage, and since most people are struggling with life in general, this perk is so needed! ~ Johanna

  2. Wonderful post! Caught myself with a few problems, but you suggested how to take care of them. Have been happily married since 2005 and I do not want to loose our love due to the surgeries I have had to undergo recently. Am still not cleared by the surgeon to have sex. We will meet with her on the 25th of this month. Got my fingers crossed we get the all clear! Been wanting to be intimate with him for months now!

    1. Oh I hope it works out for you two; we’ve had to wait as well for various medical issues and it is never easy! Thanks so much for reading! ~Johanna

  3. What a great post. Reminds me of one of my favorite books called “Kosher Adultery” by Shmuley Boteach, a Rabbi. He talked about how important it is to keep the mystery and excitement alive in a relationship. I love that you added the piece about how unappealing it is to be around a “contentious woman” but I might add, it is just as unpleasant to be around a difficulty, angry, argumentative and contentious man.

  4. Love this post! In this busy world full of distractions, it’s easy to forget how much we need our spouses. Here is an easy way to keep the connections strong.

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